Thursday, August 5, 2010

An Important Date

This date is not important in a way you would want it to be important. It doesn't celebrate anything that you really want to remember. It's not a birthday. Or a romantic anniversary. It is six months since my brother and sister-in-law were taken from us. You didn't really need to tell me that for me to know, because that burning hole in my soul I felt when it first happened, came back with an insane amount of strength last night. And it's been hitting me on and off more often lately. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because it's getting closer to my wedding day. I'm obviously aware that they won't physically be there with us... but now it just seems more real. More painful. More irritating. I'm not the most religious person, nor do I not believe in a God, but for the first time in my life I've been angry with him. Why why why. Why did he plan our lives like this? But when it really comes down to it, I'd say that God has provided quite a few other amazing things in my life to help me get through. My absolutely amazing family, and the strongest person I know, my dad. My dad who lost his first born son and his best friend. Who by no means is a young fellow, but somehow found the strength to pull through and support any of us who fall. Kevin... who has done so much for me, even though it may seem to him like he has done so little. He never gets mad when I just break down crying. Screaming. Panicking. Or when I wake up early in the morning upset. Or when I'm afraid of life. He's the most amazing gift that I've been given to help me pull through. My friends, my incredible work colleagues. Life, really. And it's hard for me sometimes to remember just how amazing a gift life is. Because I get so afraid. And so upset. I wish that no one had to ever feel this pain that I have. To know that I will never hug my brother again, or talk about sewing with my sister-in-law... even that I will never sing karaoke with my brother in my parent's basement again. (I NEVER do karaoke, I am the worlds worst singer) Life has presented me with quite a challenge. And I know I will overcome it, because there still is so much beauty in the world. And so much life to experience. Besides, I have a new nephew coming in November. November 5th, actually. Exactly nine months after this happened. So, life is still amazing. And I can't wait to have a new, tiny man in my life.

This one is for you brother. I'll see you again.

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